Gamble
by MegannLoouise
Summary: Dave turns up at Gill's house drunk in series 2, episode 6. Gill has to face Dave and the feelings she has towards him. I still don't know if I'm keeping this as a one shot or if I'm going to write more chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Gill had left the office as soon as Sammy rang. She'd confided in Janet as she left the meeting and Janet had told her not to do anything stupid. She arrived home and wondered what she would find. All she knew was that Dave had turned up, pissed out of his mind, and wouldn't leave. Apparently, this had happened before but she didn't know about it. Sammy was a good kid, he didn't deserve that twat of a father. _That twat I married,_ Gill thought.

She didn't know why but she still felt a little something for Dave. How can you be married to someone for nearly twenty years and have a child with them, and suddenly turn off all your feelings for them? She'd tried but it wasn't as easy as it looked.

She put her key in the door and found Sammy in the hall, ringing Orla.

"Sorry," he said.

"No, it's not your fault," Gill replied.

"I'm going to be late."

"Go. Say happy birthday to Orla for me."

"You sure you're going to be okay?" Sammy asked.

_How did I leave my son with Dave while I was in the Crime Faculty and have him turn out so wonderful?_

"Go. Go!" She kissed Sammy on the cheek. "Have fun!" She managed a weak smile at her son.

Sammy left and Gill felt her heart rate increase. She turned to look round the doorway at Dave. He was asleep on the sofa, the TV blaring. _The man I have a child with is in there. The man I still have feelings for. The man I still love._ Gill quickly made those thoughts leave her head; she couldn't have Dave see that she still had feelings for him. She walked in and turned the TV off.

Dave woke up and looked up at Gill. "Oh, you're home," he smiled.

"How pissed are you?" she asked, not returning his smile.

"I may have had the odd sherbet or two," Dave replied. It was just like him to get cocky when he'd had a few.

"What time did you start to get into this state? You were in my office less than four hours ago!" Disgust was clearly in her voice, she made no effort to hide it.

Dave clutched his head. _Yeah, I hope you do have a headache._ "Oh Gill. Shhhh!"

Gill didn't take kindly to being told what to do. "I've just had to leave a briefing on a murder because of this. Do you know how bad that is?! Not for ME, not for MY career -"

Dave interrupted Gill. "That was very cruel this afternoon, what you said."

Gill felt sorry for what she had said but didn't let it show. She couldn't let her cold, hard mask slip for even a second. If she did, Dave would be all over it like a rash.

"Dave, if I wanted to be cruel, I haven't even started." _That's better. That sounds like I mean it._

"I do not rely on those beneath me to make me look good."_ I know you don't, I'm sorry._

"Look, you can't come here in this state and carry on like this, and certainly not in front of Sammy," Gill told him.

Dave looked up at Gill, tears in his eyes._ God, he's sexy when he cries._ "I wish you knew how much I still love you."

Gill felt her heart race and wondered if Dave could tell. _I love you too,_ the voice in her head told her. "Well I'm afraid that's your problem, not mine," she replied.

"Do you not have any feelings for me at all?" _YES!_

"Dave, I think you know what my feelings are towards you. I don't think anybody could accuse me of making a secret of it."_ But I am making a secret of it._

"No, I meant… You used you, didn't you? Have nicer feelings about me?"

"Yeah, I did and now, do you know…" _Should I tell him? I can't tell him the truth, can I?_ "I'm really grateful I can't remember how I used to feel about you in a way that means anything to me anymore. So, if you've got a sneaky, lingering optimism that I'm in denial and I still want to do something joyous and delightful with you, please, please get that little notion out of your little head now." _I still do though. I still do want to do something joyous and delightful with him._

"We had really good sex!" was Dave's reply. _I know. I miss it. I can't, I won't, tell him how I feel._

"Dave, I want you to leave."

"You were better than her!" _Why is he so sexy?_

"If you get in the car, I'll drive you to your mother's." _Good save, Gill. Get him out of the house._

Dave laughed. "I'm not going to my mother's."

"Well you're not staying here," Gill replied a little too quickly.

"Spare room," Dave insisted.

"No!" _I can't sleep knowing that he's in the house. Knowing that the man I still love is in the room next to me._

"You're my wife. This is my house."

"No, love, we're divorced and I got the house."

"Why did you get the house?" he asked.

"Because you went off with…" Gill couldn't even say her name. It pained her too much. The day she found out had been the worst day of her life. Dave had ripped out her heart and didn't even seem to care. "You really fucked everything up, didn't you?" Dave could hear Gill choking back tears and she lifted her arm to stop Dave from seeing that tears that were falling.

"Hey. Hey, don't cry." Dave got out of his seat and held Gill. "I'm not worth crying over."_ You are._

"I'm sorry. You still have to go," Gill replied, wiping away the tears. "I can't stand you at the moment." _I can't stand that I still love you. I can't stand that you have this invisible hold over me._

"If we could sit down and work out where it went wrong, I'm sure we can make it work," Dave pleaded.

"I know where it went wrong. It was when you went off with her!" Gill spat back.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." _He didn't mean to?! He didn't mean to have an affair? He didn't mean to break our marriage vows? He didn't mean to hurt me?_

She blinked and turned to face the window so Dave wouldn't see the effect his words had on her. For the second time in ten minutes, she felt tears brewing. She didn't know why Dave's words made her cry. Maybe it was because he was showing kindness to her for the first time in ages. Maybe it was because of what he'd done to her. His words made her feel exposed and vulnerable. That was not the way she wanted to be seen. That was not the way you earned someone's trust and respect.

She walked into the kitchen to make a drink to try and calm herself. She hated that she wasn't able to control her emotions when she was around Dave. She could hear him talking to himself in the other room, asking himself why he was so stupid to destroy the best thing that had ever happened to him. _It sounds like he's genuinely sorry_.

Gill remembered what Janet had said when she told her Dave was at her house. 'Don't do anything stupid.'

_Everything's a gamble, she thought. Love's the biggest gamble of all. Last time I gambled, I won for a while, then I lost. Big time. What am I gambling now? Another chance at happiness? A chance to make Sammy happy? A chance to make everything right again? Or another chance to get my heart broken?_

She got her phone out of her pocket and text Janet. 'I'm sorry x' was all that she wrote. She longed for Dave. She longed for his touch, his smell on her clothes, his body around hers.

He walked into the kitchen and held her in his arms. Gill wondered if she was making the biggest mistake of her life - again. She looked up into Dave's eyes and he leant down to kiss her.

They didn't make it to the bedroom.


	2. Chapter 2

"So, how do you feel?" Dave asked, his arm around Gill.

"Like a Christmas present," Gill replied, lifting her head off Dave's chest so she could look at the sea of clothes around them on the living room floor.

"I'm sorry, what?" Dave asked, a little confused.

"I feel like a Christmas present. Open, exposed."

"Why do you feel like that?"

_He doesn't get it, does he? HE makes me feel open. HE makes me feel exposed. I haven't been this intimate with him since Sammy was fourteen, I'm bound to feel a bit insecure about the whole thing, aren't I?_

"Oh, it just feels strange to be back in your arms." _That's it, give him the simple answer._

"I'm afraid I still don't understand."

_Please don't make me explain._ "Just drop it, Dave."

"Fine. So are we back together or what?" he asked.

_Typical Dave, rushing into things, thinking one night of passion will bring us back together and I'll forget what he did to me. I'll forgive what he did to me._

"I really don't think that's wise, Dave," Gill replied.

Dave sat up unexpectedly. "Why? I know you still have feelings for me, I know you still love me."

"And if we did get back together, how would I know that there's not going to be a repeat of last time?"

"I've changed, Gill, I really have."

_Don't let him fool you, Gill. They always say that. You've got to be strong for Sammy._

"Dave, I can't. It's not fair on Sammy us breaking up and getting back together again. It'll mess with his head."

"He's not a child anymore, Gill," Dave replied. "I think he can handle it."

"Well I don't. You weren't there, night after night as he cried himself to sleep when we broke up. If we got back together and then broke up again, who knows what effect it'll have on him. We… You have already fucked him about too much."

_Plus, there's the tiny problem of me. I won't be able to trust you. I won't be able to believe you when you say you're working late. I don't want to be one of those suspecting wives, checking your phone when you're not looking, just waiting for you to slip up, just waiting for a reason to say goodbye. I don't want to be like that._

"How many times do I have to say sorry for what happened?" he asked.

"Sometimes sorry isn't good enough." Gill picked up her clothes and headed upstairs.

Dave immediately followed her. He followed her into the bedroom and stared at the bed.

"Don't you remember how much fun we used to have in there?" Dave asked.

"Of course I do, but I also remember how many hours I spent in there alone while you were off screwing someone else. How many hours I spent in there crying my eyes out after I'd asked you to leave."

"It doesn't have to be like this. We could go back to the way it used to be. You just have to ask."

"And just forget the last four years didn't happen?! Go back to playing happy families in front of people when actually, we're falling apart?" Gill asked.

"No, of course not. You just need to learn to forgive."

"_I_ need to learn to forgive?!" Gill spat. "_I'm_ the one who's in the wrong?! You expect me to forgive you for cheating? I'm sorry, Dave, but that's something I can't do."

_It's still so recent. It's still so painful. I don't think I can ever forgive him for what he did, no matter how much I love him._

_Love._

_I thought I'd have a warmth of affection towards him while we were lying on the living room floor. I thought all my worries would disappear. I thought I'd go back to feeling how I used to feel._

_I don't love him. I was just lonely. Yes, I missed his company but the love I had for him disappeared more than ten years ago._

"Fine!" Dave shouted.

"What?"

"You tell me to go and I'll go," he told her, knowing that she loved him and would never ask him to leave.

"Could you go please, Dave?"

"What?" Dave asked, astounded.

"You heard me. I want you to leave this minute and not bother me again."

"But you still love me," he insisted. "You want to be with me."

"No, I don't. I thought I loved you earlier but now I'm realising that I don't. I didn't miss you, I missed the company of a man in the house."

"We could be a proper family again," he pleased.

"No, we can never be that. Go, just go please."

Dave walked towards the door, turned to have one last look at Gill and walked out of her life.

_Pull yourself together, Gillian. You're made of stronger stuff that this. Don't let a stupid man make you cry, even if it is only one tear._

xXxXx

Gill opened the door to find Janet standing on the doorstep.

"Hiya! I got your text saying you're sorry. What are you sorry for?" she asked.

"Dave."

"Oh. I'd better come in then."

Gill stepped aside so Janet could walk in. They made their way into the living room.

"I'm sure it's not that bad," Janet assured as she sat down.

"It is."

"Everything will be okay as long as you didn't sleep with him or anything," she joked. Janet looked up to see Gill's face and her eyes widened in realisation. "Shit, you slept with him, didn't you?"

Gill nodded.

"Why, Gill? Why did you sleep with that bastard?"

"I thought I loved him," she replied, quietly.

"But you don't, do you?" Janet asked.

"Yes. No. I don't know. Janet, I'm so confused. I thought I loved him, I had butterflies and everything when I saw him. Now, I don't know. God, I'm in such a mess."

"It's going to be alright." Janet put her arm around her boss. "You know what I did when I was thinking about leaving Ade?"

Gill shook her head.

"I though of all the things I hated about him and all the things I loved about him. I know it sounds terrible but the pros outweighed the cons, so I stayed. What do you hate about Dave?"

"What he did. That he lied to me. That he hurt Sammy even more than he hurt me. That he has this invisible hold over me because deep down, I think I do have feelings for him."

"Good, now what do you love about him?"

"The way he strokes my hair, the way he used to bring me breakfast in bed. The way he surprised me with romantic weekends away. His cooking. How romantic he used to be, how good in bed he was. The way he used to kiss. I loved him but I hate what he's become."

"That's good, Gill. But do you love him now?" Janet asked.

"Yes. No. I don't know."

"Jeez, make up your mind, Gill."

"Yes, I think I still do."


End file.
